1. I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
2. I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife. But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.
3. My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
4. A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says “I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.” The man hands the baby back and responds, “Well, bring me the one my wife made.”
5. I watched the video of my wedding backward. I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
6. I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
7. “Your eyes look red.” said the cop. “Have you been smoking weed?” “Your eyes look glazed,” I replied. “Have you been eating donuts?”
8. Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?” I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
9. If light travels faster than the speed of sound. How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
10. My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed. After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
11. A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy replies, “Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
12. A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’
13. A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.
“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five!”
“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two.”
“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.
St. Peter says, “We added up your time sheets.”
14. Instead of “who’s your daddy” I accidentally said “how’s your daddy” and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad’s cholesterol.
15. My first day as a car salesman…
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
16. It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, and my ex-sleeps with everybody…that sorta thing.
17. My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.” “Good idea,” I replied. “We can cover more ground that way.”
18. What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common? They both think,” My mom’s gonna kill me.”
19. I can’t see an end. I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape. I don’t even have a home anymore. I think it’s time for a new keyboard.
20. A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”